Apr 27

Apr 27 HOW TO HELP BY NOT HELPING

One of the newest and hardest lessons I’ve had to come to terms with in life is learning to help without helping. In order for most people to function efficiently, they have a team, a team of close family and or friends that create a network of support. I like to call these people the tier 1 team, interacting with tier 1 is imperative for growth and accountability. Something important that I didn’t know growing up was that all real relationships require effort and some form of awareness and with the investment of energy comes the yearn to help and protect people we care about.

We help our loved ones by being present for them, sharing with them as well as allowing vulnerability within the relationship and these positive ingredients create a solid web of trust that reinforces itself over time.

Every once in awhile our loved ones will deal with issues that will be challenging or maybe even devastating and we will be tempted to do all we can to restore balance to make both them and ourselves feel better. We will overextend ourselves, calling to inquiring for any detail that could possibly ease the burden. We will offer words of wisdom and all but literally try to take the problem away by making it our problem as well, empathy will allow us to feel some pain and frustration that we believe our loved ones are also feeling, I mean is only right that we help them to fight their battles right?

Wrong! We have to assess the battles that we choose to intervene on. Jumping in to play a superhero on un-evaluated issues may actually do more harm than good. Challenges exist in this world for a reason, it not only forces us to think outside the box but it encourages growth. Sometimes sitting back and allowing the people you care for to work through their issues can be all the help they need.

If you are not sure how to do this you can follow these three steps :

Listen - Do more listening than speaking, allow the other party to express themselves in whatever way that they choose and ask only relevant questions.
Express your empathy by letting them know that you are sorry that they are dealing with this issue.
Be present but allow space by being patient, let the individual work through the issue. Do not offer any direct advice based on how you think they feel. Offer support by checking on their progress with the issue.

I understand that this method may seem harsh at first but it is the right thing to do. Recently I found myself watching They’ve got to have us on Netflix and they were discussing the movie Ray and how his independence and courage stemmed from his mother’s refusal to coddle him after he went blind at age 7. It was an interesting scene in the film where he falls, and cries out helplessly while his mother watches cringing in silence. After this incident, you notice his senses becoming sharper as he realizes he has to stand on his own two feet. He later went on to become one of the greatest singer/songwriters of all time, the moral of the story is that -People must learn how to solve their own problems.

Another simple reason why not helping can help is that - Not everyone we see is in need of help. We live in a society with countless personality types and it’s important to know who you are as well as who you are interacting with. Be aware of people who indulge in conflict making (High conflict personalities) as well as people who are always helpless in even the most basic situations (Learned helplessness). If you find yourself trying to help either one of these personality types you will be in for an exhausting ride. Two important questions to ask yourself when examining a situation where you may feel tempted to help -

1. Am I always emotionally drained after helping this person?

2. Is this particular conflict a reoccurring theme from this individual?

If both answers are yes then you know what to do - Do not help, save your strength for something else. Sometimes tough love is the best love.

Have you ever had to help by not helping? Tell me about it in the comments.