As valentines day approaches, I am back to chat about a few things that I have learned about self-love amidst the pandemic. Being in love produces feel-good hormones that enable us to have positive and most times unforgettable experiences. Love is important on a broad scale because it reinforces courage, strength, and empathy. We all choose love, even if unintentionally, we love our family, our pets, our children, and most of this comes naturally. Your baby coos and giggles, suddenly you feel warm, then what follows the overwhelming feeling of duty and care, “my heart outside of my body” is how this love is popularly described.

With all the love that is roaming around out there, you would think self-love is one of the most popular types of love because it sounds, well.. easy, however, it seems that self-love is the most elusive. I often hear people say “ you have to love yourself in order to love others” but what does even that mean?

As a child, I remember learning not to be too “full of myself” or self-centered, and I am sure most of you also had this caution, and what I learned from this saying was simple, never put yourself on a pedestal. Learning this early affected an already underdeveloped sense of awareness and confidence. Fast forward to a couple of decades later and here we all are - a society in which everyone is desperately searching for self-love.

A question I began to ask myself about self-love was, how do you find something that you are not aware of? Where do you go to get a bunch of this self-love everyone keeps raving about? It’s like telling someone that working hard will make them rich, it makes sense and everyone says it, but no one tells you exactly how it works and this made me realize a few things:

Usually, if someone explains something poorly, it’s because they have no clue what they are talking about. And most people aren’t sure what self-love is they just recommend it when they think the situation is appropriate.
Most people already think they automatically have self-love because they believe the lack of self-love means the presence of self-hate, so if I don’t hate myself, self-love must be present. This is an interesting idea because you will never attempt to fix a problem that does not exist.
Most people believe that self-love is overindulgence. We over-consume things that bring us short-term happiness to fill the void of what is lacking.

As children, we all used our imaginations, It allowed us to live outside of reality and have experiences completely unique to us. This part of our life diminishes as we gain more real-world experiences, we create habits and expectations that are challenged and redefined daily as we go through life and I believe the idea of love, including the love of self, diminishes as well. This pushes self-love below the necessities of life, transforming it into a luxury.

As you know, the typical luxury item isn’t necessary for survival, however, it is highly valued. Self-love should not be viewed as unnecessary for survival, in fact, your survival actually depends on it. My personal view of self-love can be summed up in one statement - “ you cannot pour from an empty cup” this brings us back to the beginning of how loving yourself enables us to love others.

Self-love is

Giving yourself grace, having patience with yourself, speaking kindly to yourself even when you are not at your best. Getting rest. Putting yourself and your needs first.

Reigniting your imagination, what were the things you loved growing up, what are the things that make you feel that way now? Sometimes we forget that we already know what we like, and because of this we try searching for love and positivity outside of ourselves, but this is not sustainable.

Trusting yourself by keeping the promises you make to yourself, taking more days off, learning a new hobby, prioritizing your health and sanity. Creating boundaries to protect your positive space.

Saying “I can” more often, making beautiful things happen in your life, then enjoying those moments. Let go and relax more.

Treat yourself! Go ahead and book that massage, schedule that hair appointment, schedule that therapy session for that issue you just can’t seem to shake, schedule that doctor’s appointment, revamp your wardrobe, or redecorate your living space. You deserve it.

Self-love is not

Being lazy and unmotivated, giving up on your goals, and becoming stationary.

Getting lost in your imagination, overindulging in habits that are self-sabotaging and non-productive.

Arrogance

Constantly comparing or criticizing.

Self-love adds value to your life. I look at it this way, If you’re walking on the street and you find an old dirty penny, you will step over it, and life will be stepping past you if you do not value yourself; but if you find a twenty-dollar bill you immediately apply value to it, heck all of a sudden you need it, and you will stop to pick it up. Self-love adds that instant value to your life.